o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
Potato salad is not cupcake ingredient
You me handle of captain and a sorostitute study sesh, if we don't get laid mancards must be relinquished
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
