3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Yeah, i think she was German or something.
No dude, she's just got a speech impediment.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
Let's get weird.
It's 10 am...
I'm assuming that means you're not busy...
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Randomize
