Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Randomize
