and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
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