Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
