Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
Randomize
