put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
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