You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
