i have a strong urge to join the asians in the park doing tai chi. I think im still high .
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
