You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
