I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
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