I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Because her vagina is one of those illusive black holes that leads to a parallel universe where he is king and the sea is made of beer! That is why they are together!
If your boss lets you sleep on his couch, you don't pay him back by boning his daughter.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Randomize
