Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
