he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
