we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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