gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
Randomize
