I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
Bought a gym bag tonight. Used it to bring my Taco Bell in the house.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Randomize
