Everything we own is covered in grass and KY
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
