her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm the man of the house if we're referring to livers.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
Randomize
