he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
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