You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I found out his moms name, maiden name, profession, and office location, his dads name and profession, his home phone, picture of their house, all of his work profiles, and the cost of their house. All I'm trying to do is find his damn twitter
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
Randomize
