Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
it doesn't count as moral degradation if you win the strip off -right?
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
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