He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
