I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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