After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
I guess you can say it's a tradition... whoever brings home the ugliest guy has to do all the cleaning the next day
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
Last time we talked he was trying to sext me but he was including pictures of fruit
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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