i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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