my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
