Last night, you attempted to motor boat my vagina then proceeded to blow raspberries on it. Don't ever do that again.
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
