The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
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