Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
