who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
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