Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Michael Bay diarrhea
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
When did I go from having sugar daddies to being one? And does it count as a tax write off?
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
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