I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
That's when you crack a 10am beer
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
my greatest accomplishment from the city of diplomacy is that i puked at a table of 5 diplomats and my professor and NONE OF THEM NOTICED
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
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