We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
and im sitting here waiting for them to work on my car. in a room full of men. that are too old for me. its like a sausage fest nightmare...
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
You're mold. I may or maynot have puked blood this morning.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Randomize
