WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
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