Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
They have beer where we have blood.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Randomize
