Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
you never un-have a 4some
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
What do you want. Tryin to service my husband like the good wife that I am. It is bj Tuesday
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
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