either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
So shaving my butt whilst humming "be prepared" is now in my top five weirdest Friday night activities.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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