Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
