Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
