Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
