I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
There are few people I can ask this w/o being looked at as insane... Do you ever some days get fascinated by how amazing your own breast look?
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
I was so high the sounds of a cricket drove me out of my home at 4am.... Boo that fucking cricket
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
