FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
