I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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