Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Can one do a walk of shame from one's own hotel? Considering I just barfed in a planter down town in from of a bunch of business men in suits on my way to a work breakfast on a Wednesday morning, I am gonna just go with yes.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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