Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I cant believe we actually had a nipple party!
the #6 from wendy's when stoned is definitely better than sex. i dont care what anyone says.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
AMAZING.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
Randomize
