I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
Randomize