Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
