I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I just bought 1/2 a fifth of vodka out of an old school baby carriage from a homeless man. Gotta love this city.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I thought one was bad but really there are two woman stupid enough to marry our brother...unreal
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I am watching a girl dressed up as santa, full on fat suit, try to fight a six foot 200lb man. A reindeer threw beer on everyone. Shit is going down
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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