You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
I am totally the chick from Intervention who barfs up wine and then re-eats it.
either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
Randomize
