Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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