it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
And here I thought that was one nut sack too many
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
my liver is dry heaving
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Randomize