i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
Randomize
