Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
after all you did bang a few mechanics. you must have got some second hand skills by now for building us a go kart.
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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