His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
I just don't know how to say "I want to have sex you with before you graduate" in a classy way
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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